Before I go begin, I apologize if this isn't one of my usual sarcastic, trying to be edgy or funny posts because this post may not be more for you, it's may be for myself. See, thing is that, I can't seem to fall asleep lately. I keep hearing her voice, and its been too long since I've tried to forget. Maybe if I get this burden out of my chest, it will finally get out of my system and maybe I will be a little more at peace with myself. Thanks for reading on, if not... ignore this post and thanks anyway. I promise it'll be a better post tomorrow.
The question I face most when I eventually told most of you about my decision to come here was simply "Why?". In a very obvious way, its mostly for myself, for my family and friends who love me and care for me, so I can be around longer, but in all honestly it's not that simple.
I cannot be driven by what I take for granted.
For every reason given, there is an ignition and for the most part, boyish intentions are usually founded on one basis, girls. I find myself no different.
It begins with one of many, many escapades into the social night scene. At this height of my teenage years not too long ago, clubbing was definitely a priority in my life second that to only girls and alcohol. So it may be no surprise that it is here where I come across a girl in a white dress. Now alcohol intoxication prevents me from explaining this moment in detail, but I remember that she comes towards me in almost a glide from across the room. Surprised at her sudden advances I take a step sideways hoping to avoid rushing into her in one of my drunken crazes. Before I could sneak pass though, she stops right in front of me and said in almost a whisper, "Dance with me".
Those first words will always be my first ghost.
I obliged, naturally though confused. I'll admit it, even though I hate to say it but guys like me don't exactly pick up girls left and right, especially not one as pretty as her. The dance was silent, not a word passed between us but we said everything that needed to be said by the palm of her hand connecting with mine. Soon the lips followed suit.
Strawberries.
I never did like the taste of strawberries. I think I was because I never ate a good strawberry. After what felt like an eternity of eyes meeting and mouths connecting was soon interrupted by an unnecessary amount of light signalling the end of another event. I told her to wait for me outside and just give me a second as I wished my friends a pleasant evening. Also to secretly fill them in on how I "scored" with a random stranger because lets face it, that's what we were, two strangers who happened to lock lips because of some raging hormones. Looking back you could have called it love but I don't believe in that, love at first sight nonsense. It seems, so cliche and reality has no place for some imaginary love story. Back outside the venue, once the cold air brushed against me, I was done for the night. I don't remember much. I remember a fight, some pictures and then the unusual softness of a typical London black cab seat.
I awoke the next afternoon only to find myself in unfamiliar surrounding lying right next to a familiar person. She was angelic. Fair enough, her make up was slightly smudged and she was snoring a little but I was just happy that my lack of alcohol didn't make her any less attractive than how she was to me last night. So I just lay there and smile. I was sure nothing happened that night because I was out for the count but I think I smiled because as I lay there, her back against my chest, warm and soft, was just, so comfortable. Then she stirred.
"Eun Ae"
"What?"
"That's my name in case you were wondering"
"Oh, Jeremiah, Jeremiah Tan Chien Yih" (why the hell did I say my full name at that time?)
"Glad to see you got the hint Jeremiah Tan Chien Yih. Breakfast?"
"Lunch, you mean"
"Oh, right, hahaha."
"You hungry already?"
"Nope, just want to get to know the guy who's technically spooning me and make him at least buy me dinner first."
She always cracked me up, I'm so socially awkward and she knows it, yet she always had this way of making a situation not feel as uncomfortable as it should have.
This "lunch date" was not unlike any other ones I've had before. Typical food and conversation but what I didn't realize was how much time had passed just sitting, eating and talking to her as the afternoon slowly turned into evening, then into night. We got along so greatly that I just had to ask. "Honestly, what do you see in me?" She said in her usual manner,
"Nice question to ask on a first date big guy."
"Seriously though, I mean I'm not exactly Johnny Depp."
"Well, first off he's a movie star and you're not. So I guess I'll just have to settle with you face. You just seemed so too sad for a cute face."
These words became my second ghost.
It was here when I knew that she was a special. She looked at me with such great transparency. Before I could reply in defense, she came up with the most ridiculous suggestion.
"Lets do an eat and run."
"Seriously? Why? No..."
"Come on! You need to seriously lighten up."
"And performing a crime will help me how?"
"I'm going outside and if you're not there by the count of 10... let's just say that I won't be around, waiting"
"Jesusss"
Then she just got up and ran, (she wasn't being very subtle) I tried to do the same but not before throwing as much money as I could on the table. Remembering looking at my wallet sometime after, I think an 80 pound tip was a bit excessive but it was worth hearing her laughter that greeted me as I arrived outside. Her smile even more breath taking than herself. People who know me well, know that the first thing that I notice in a girl is her smile and her's was just... perfect.
What followed was a whirlwind of events, too many to scribble down but I cherish each and every one. Trying to permanently infuse it into my memory because as the year passes I'm beginning to forget and I don't want that to happen. I don't want to forget.
I remember random London ghost tours, (even though we were both the biggest chickens in the world, together it felt, safe.)
I remember eating fudge by the ponds as we try to feed the "Queen's" swans a tasty toffee and rum treat.
I remember she was into protesting about things which I could honestly care less about but apparently I needed the exercise.
I remember watching a movie marathon by sneaking into other showings once the one we watched ended... and also nearly getting caught for it.
I remember the random jig we did by the side of the street because the traffic light took too long.
I remember eating free food from the Harri Krishna and the having food poisoning at the same time.
I remember how great it was kissing in the subway train as we swayed slowly from left to right.
I remember....
I remember.
Then on a normal day just like any other, she came into my room with a grin because it was the day where I promised her we would go to Madam Tussuad's and take pictures while making rude gestures on the wax figures since we never took an official "couples" photo (thanks to Nick who broke my camera) I forgot. What followed was our first fight. I was feeling too lethargic from all the projects I had to finish till I had to even skip lectures to do them all. She accused me of not wanting to take any pictures because I didn't want to tell anyone about "us".
To be fair, she might have been right. Maybe somewhere inside I really didn't want to tell anyone. She was my favourite little secret, a place where I could go to and escape when I felt like life and all others have let me down, but obviously I don't tell her that. I accuse her of being silly and that Madam Tussuad's wasn't going anywhere except maybe for the Bollywood exhibit. She got mad, called me a "lazy shit" and barged out faster than she came in.
These 2 simple words would be my third ghost.
In that split second I felt regret and decided to chase after her, after all maybe she was right. Maybe I was just being lazy. Outside the dorms I managed to catch her just as she was crossing the street and shouted her name. She turned around and I could see her eyes puffy from crying but just as she turned, she didn't notice it in time and a bus managed to hit her arm and she fell hard on the tar road underneath.
In that moment as I yelled I couldn't even hear the sound of my own voice, not even as I ran towards her or even when I lifted her slightly off the ground. My world had become silent. Holding her I couldn't feel anything. Her body felt light in my hands. I could see a crowd gathering around me but I didn't care. After searching frantically for a pulse I found one. So I shook her. Slowly calling out her name. She had a pulse so why wouldn't she wake up? Why wouldn't she wake up?
I remember the sirens and the barrage of questions that followed, my mouth moved on its own but I don't remember what I said. All I could focus or see was her face. I finally came to as she was wheeled away and I found myself sitting alone in a crowded emergency ward. The stain of her blood on my shirt and my hands. I couldn't do anything else. I just stared at the stains of her blood on my hands and sat down quietly.
It took an afternoon before I realize her parents and her sister came in. The nurse pointed me out as the person who rode with her there. Just as I saw that I was about to be thrown multiple questions that I could not have answered I was saved by the doctor who came in explaining that Eun Ae was stable but in a deep coma. She had received serious trauma to a part of her head and multiple bone fractures. We were then allowed into the ICU 2 at a time.
Her mother overcome with grief didn't even have the will to stand up and decided to wait with me as she wasn't ready just yet to see her. She then asked me in a about what had happened and I told her everything as calmly as I could but often I would choke on my own words and stutter. After much explanation she stopped me mid sentence and said,
"Jeremiah. Thanks for helping my little Eun Ae. Thank you for bringing her here in time."
I felt a short stab of guilt to the heart. I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I was the one who caused her daughter to be angry, to turn around in the middle of the road, allowing her to be hit by a bus. I didn't even call for the ambulance, some good Samaritan did. All I did was kneel there, holding her. So all I did was nod and hid my guilt beneath a forced smile. Saved by the doctor again I was allowed to enter the ICU with her mother. It was a horrible, it was probably the only memory of her I want to forget. She was just lying there, cold and destitute, covered in bandages. Though overwhelming I held back my tears. I had to be tough for her mum and for her.
The following days, I visited her daily, skipping even university just to sit next to her and read to her because the doctor said a familiar voice might wake her up. She looked so peaceful though, my sleeping beauty.
As another school term came to a close, the time came for me then to return home to see my parents for Christmas. She on the other hand was to be moved to her home in Seoul as her condition had become more stable. Devastated I kept my mouth shut and simply exchanged numbers with her mother and promised to visit once my term was over, she in turn would call if Eun Ae woke up.
The days after that I began to feel empty on the inside. I couldn't remember a time when she wasn't around and realized just how close I had gotten to her and how dependant I was on her company. The holidays passed through quickly and the school term went by, soon Easter arrived. Feeling like I should make a trip to South Korea, I followed my cousins and friends instead to Barcelona. I mean, I needed some fun in my life since I had been moping around most of the time. So I selfishly thought that there was no point in going to Seoul if she wasn't even awake. A decision I regret even to this day.
I got to Barcelona and tried to forget her as much as possible though remembering to buy her a souvenir cause I knew how she liked that artsy crap. She was going to be so jealous of me when I tell her that I went to Barcelona while she was sleeping. Then on the last day in Barcelona, fate arrived. I received a message from her mum just as I was about to board the bus to the airport.
"Eun Ae passed away peacefully yesterday. Hope you can make it to the funeral. Love Mrs. Jeong"
The first thing I felt was rage, I became angry at everything. I just wanted to smash something, punch something, kick something. I wanted to hurt something so bad that I didn't realize till I calmed down that somewhere deep in the pit of my stomach I hurt, deeply. Finally arriving outside my London house I sat outside. The air was cold and crisp. The silence was a pleasant change from the last few days. I let my Ipod drown out anything I felt. Then my best friend came out. She noticed something was wrong and said that everyone was looking for me. As soon as she says those few words I break down in deep sobs. I show her the message and she hugged me tightly. Then all at once everything I tried to suppress flowed out. I finally allowed myself to cry, I finally allowed myself to feel.
I had lost the one. The one who completed my ridiculous idea of romance. The one that made me consider a long future with her. Ridiculous I guess looking at the tiny amount of time we spent together compared to other people but you just know though. You just know when she's it, and I lost her.
So back to the original question, the reason I am where I am now, exercising, trying to lose weight is simply because after 2 years of mourning, I need to move one. I once promised her that I'd eventually lose some weight so that we could do things that I couldn't do with my size and weight. Also I believe that in every life you only get one person that you were meant to be with. I believe it was her. So... yea, maybe I'm also just trying to change myself to become a completely different person. Maybe then I might get a second chance at this. Maybe I'll find the one again... but I have doubts.
So when all this is done I'll go visit her in Seoul. Stand right by her grave and show her the "new" me. Hopefully when I do. Maybe she'll be proud of me and forgive me for at least keeping one of my promises to her.
Till then I'll wake up every 7 o'clock in the morning, give myself a full hour to gear up for the day, put on my face and my positive attitude, which will hopefully carry me through the day and go do what I have to do.
But right now, at this very moment I can't go to sleep remembering her and the moments. I'm still fill myself with guilt over her accident whenever I think back. I hate that the last time we talked, was the time that we were fighting. I can't seem to sleep because when I do, I see her. Smiling. Just for me. Her voice, echoing in my ears. In my bed I toss and turn as every memory of her comes back in flashes, one after the other. So I can't sleep because she's not lying right there next to me and it still feels strange to this day.
I can't sleep and I'm oh, so very tired.
You lied mum! That's not a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup! My whole life is a lie!
Yea Yea Yea Yea Yeah?
2 hours ago
